a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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