ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
