Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize