Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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