in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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