she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize