I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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