Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
