Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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