Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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