i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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