A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize