Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
