so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
