So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize