i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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