His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
