she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
