I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
