peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
