Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I understand Curling. That high.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
