do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
