just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
