Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
