my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
