I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
