good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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