I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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