When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
