I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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