I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
that is very illegal...i love you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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