i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
