Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
