sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
