we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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