I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
