my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
