I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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