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i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
