I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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