Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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