This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
