I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
