he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
