what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
