So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
