Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
