You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
