She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
