im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
