my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
