True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
