i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
