I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
