so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Did I show you my penis last night?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
