Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
