I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
