the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
