well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
