Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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