my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
