I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
In other news, I just burned my penis
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize